last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
