I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
