Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
