She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
