look no pants
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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