Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
