dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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