I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
