bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
