I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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