Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
