Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
