His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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