i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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