I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
