I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
