Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't deserve a penis
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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