I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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