Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you guys were way drunker than both of me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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