I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
