I met the friendliest cop last night
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They took my balls.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
