Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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