youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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