the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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