My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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