Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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