I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
