My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
