You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
