she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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