So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
