Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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