im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
