Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
