she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
