If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
