New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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