I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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