he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You were trust falling into bushes
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize