she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
