I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
