I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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