Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize