addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
