apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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