Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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