I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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