We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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