I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
