A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i love accidental penises.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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