i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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