We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
