i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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