I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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