just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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