I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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