from now on my penis is your penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
