so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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